When I first started sex work, I didn't know any sex workers in real life. A friend had loaned me a "secret diary" for Call Girl, and I read it with great concern. I watched the TV series, picturing myself as Belle Du Jour. It looked so glamorous and sexy that it would solve my financial problems. So, I searched brothels in my city on Google, sent out some emails, and the next thing I knew, I was a sex worker.
In the past, it was a bad idea. Thankfully, it turns out everything is fine, but the point is, I did very little research on sex work before I dived into it. For me, there was no hitch or any ethical problems. I thought it was kind of fun and I needed money. 1 + 1 = 2.
It wasn't until my knee was really deep in the world of sex work that I began to think about the ethical implications of sex work. She began to be interested in news articles about prostitutes and studied the portrayal of escort girls in the media. I spent more time searching, reading and searching on Google. And when I did, I became more and more confused about sex work.
I discovered that sex workers are being used as a scapegoat for society. Sex workers are blamed for everything from HIV to husbands' infidelity to human trafficking. I remember thinking about human trafficking, really confused and upset. People used to say that sex work contributes to sex trafficking, and in order to stop trafficking, we need to eliminate sex work. Shout out, end the request for sexual services.
I couldn't reconcile this on my mind. When I read these articles, they talked about sex workers as if they were evil, distant creatures, roaming around the world, and throwing children into sexual slavery. But here, in my regular apartment, I lead a fairly normal life, in a very normal city. I just happened to have sex for a job. Nothing feels bad about being a sex worker for me. I didn't feel bad. I couldn't connect what I was doing with sex trafficking. After all, if we blame sex workers for sex trafficking, shouldn't we then blame restaurant workers for labour trafficking?
I spent a long time confused about who I was, what my job meant, and what my place in society was. Can I be a feminist and do sex work? Is it okay to be a sex worker, or does that mean that I have been contributing to human suffering? Why were pictures of sex workers in the media so different from my daily life?
In the end, I came across the empowerment novel of sex work. That is, the notion that sex workers take back their sexuality and power from men. This novel states that sex work is empowerment because we charge men for our time, and we enjoy doing it, rather than giving our time and our sexuality for free.
I clung to the gender empowerment narrative. I think I felt powerful? I went to work and earned money and didn't feel bad about it. Certainly, I did not feel the media's disgrace, disgust and moral breakdown. Does this mean I was authorized?
This narration allowed me to calm my mind and stop worrying that I somehow inadvertently contributed to the sex trade, even if it didn't make perfect sense to me. It allowed me to feel accepted by those who had previously felt rejected - people seemed to be able to tolerate sex work if women were regaining sexual vigour and strength. So, I decided I was an empowered sex worker, which was apparently much better than just being an old sex worker.
But at some point, somewhere along the line, this novel got really boring to me. Instead of feeling powerful (and I'm not really sure I felt powerful), I got angry at filming the sex workers.
Why the hell do sex workers have to feel empowered for their work to be acceptable?
Why should sex workers enjoy every second of their job so that society tolerates them?
I don't find sex work possible. Most of the time, I find sex work very boring. Sure, sometimes I walk through the foyer of a 5-star hotel in designer heels while I hide hundreds of dollars' worth of banknotes in my bag and that feels great. But most of the time, I give bad jobs the same feeling of inferiority that a cashier has to feel while packing groceries for the fifth day in a row.
The truth is, most of the time, sex work is not that exciting. My day-to-day life is like any other job - some clients are cute, others are just messy. Sometimes my job is a little fun, sometimes it's so boring that I plan my grocery list while a dude comes down to me. But it definitely isn't the kind of happy feeling after school especially every day. And it doesn't have to be the right choice.
